


Waking Up and Falling Apart

by laraist



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depressing, Depression, Don't Like Don't Read, Don't Read This, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV First Person, Please Don't Hate Me, References to Depression, Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 11:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21053486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laraist/pseuds/laraist
Summary: "I should do something that matters," He sighs, running his hand across my chest, "I want to make a difference in the world!"





	Waking Up and Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

> First time posting anything and well, it popped into my head and hope you like it. No beta'd and this was done instead of sleeping so beware of any and all errors. Read if you must, comment what you want.

_I'm looking for a gift for a co-worker and nothing is standing out, but let's face it, I'm not really vested for this anyways. _

_I can't decide which seems more 'personal' between the candle that has a tolerable smell or a coffee mug with a pun. _

  
_My mind drifts off and I'm thinking about what TV dinners I might buy when I've picked my gift when I hear him. _

_"_ _I'd rather be back in bed instead of work too,"_

_Out of sheer habit I glance over._

_I'm here alone and I'm sure someone is talking to their friend on a phone or even in person and I want to scowl and ask them to speak to whoever more silent._

_ I was ready to decide between chicken and lasagna when I see him. _

_Alone, no phone, and looking right at me with a slight smile and honest expression._

  
_My silent stare must be contagious because he's silent a minute as well._

_Then he's growing pink and begins to stammer, "I mean. Sorry, just I saw the... I saw the mug and just thought..." _

_He trails off, pointing to my left hand and looking down now._

  
_My brain takes a moment to register and I glace down at my hand, where it registers. _

_The coffee mug that reads: "I can't go to work today... I need to go back to bed."_

  
_All at once my brain turns back on but I don't know what to say and now he looks awkward and mortified. _

_He goes to turn away but I finally speak up, "Right, yeah, if only it were that easy."_

_He stops and smiles and looks at me and takes my breathe away. _

  
_"Sorry, just, I've struggled getting up and not sleeping and..." he's nervous now, but I hardly hear everything anyways. _

_I need to impress him, I want him to like me._

  
_"Do you stand in the mug aisle waiting for someone that's confused and looking for a pun ready mug to be lifted before you strike?" _

_I already know I'm keeping this mug, but it's no longer going to be a throw away gift._

  
_He laughs and it's infectious and so full of life, "No!"_

***

"No don't. Please... please don't."

Peter's whimpering is what registers first, "Please stop! Please."

  
I register that this is real and I'm awake and then my mind goes into auto pilot.

Wide awake and raising, rolling over to Peter like I so often do now.

Its routine now, and I know that while he might panic a moment, the fastest way to help him escape his nightmare is what he prefers.

I have a gentle hand into his shoulder when he jerks awake.

  
"No! Don't - Don't touch me!" Peter screamed, flinching away from my desperate touch.

Peter's eyes were wild, his breathing fast and shallow, whole body trembling in uncontrollable fear.

  
"I'm not going to hurt you," I say gently, taking Peter by the hand and holding it firmly.

Our eyes meet. "Listen to me. You're safe and he isn't going to hurt you again. I'm here now. Trust me, I won't let anybody hurt you,"

  
I expected Peter to yank his hand away in panic, but he didn't--instead he relaxed a little, tears forming in his eyes, and let out a breath. "I..."

  
"It's okay," I pulled Peter into a hug that he didn't resist, "It's okay. I'm here."

  
He melts into my arms, and I feel his shoulders shake and my shirt grow damp.

"I should have fought harder. I should..."

***

_"I should do something that matters," He sighs, running his hand across my chest, "I want to make a difference in the world!"_

  
_I grab him around his waist and pull him in closer, resting my head atop his own, "You will."_

  
_I know he will, he lights up every room he's in and he's going to change the world one day. _

_I_ _'ll be there right beside him too, cheering him on and letting everyone know how proud of him I am. _

_I feel his breathing against my chest, but then it's silent._

_He's probably fallen asleep in his haze, but my thoughts are still running and I can't sleep yet. _

_He's the best thing to have happened to me, and I wouldn't change a thing. _

_He doesn't know everything but he knows that he's all I have left. _

_I don't mind so much anymore, not since I found him. _

_I'd be lost without him. _

  
_My mind has gotten away from me again when I feel him stir against me and I blink. _

_He's climbing out from bed, sheet draped around him loosely and I grab at the fleeting sheet. "Where are you headed?"_

_"Kitchen," he laughs and grabs my hand, pulling me up with him. I go without a sheet. _

_He turns on the stovetop and reaches on tiptoe to the box of hot chocolate and he knows when I'm having a rough night. _

_Knows this is our comfort drink when needed._

  
_He grabbing a spoon and the milk when I place a hand against his bare chest and kiss him deeply._

  
_He kisses back, the sheet forgotten now, but the kettle makes it's presence aware before it goes much further._

***

I pour the milk into the mug and stir the hot chocolate into the mug.

There are dark circles under my eyes but they are no match for his own.

  
I want to take his nightmares away.

They aren't getting any better and it's been so long... I need to suggest this before his demons slink from the shadows again.

  
It takes me longer than I wanted, than maybe it should have, but at last I speak up.

"Do you- do you think talking to someone would... help?"

  
The wounded look in his eyes makes me regret saying a word, but it's far too late to take it back.

  
"Are you getting tired of putting up with me?" he says it so softly I almost don't hear it, his knuckles in a death grip around his mug.

  
"No Pete, that's not..." he's up and walking from the room before I can form another word of defense.

  
His sleeping ends in screaming.

His meals are nonexistent.

He's wasting away and I don't know what to do, don't know how to help.

I need him to get better.

I miss his smile that lit up the room and his never ending energy.

***

_"Ohmygosh!" He's breathless, grinning so bright the power could go out and I wouldn't notice, "I want all of them!"_

  
_I hear the truth behind those words but I don't respond, just smile and hold his hand a little tighter as I follow him. _

_He's stopping at every cage and petting every dog. _

_He acts like they all are already at home, like there is no cage and the dogs, they are all equally attached to his affection too._

  
_It's hours before I remind him that we have to make a selection before the pet store closes._

_He frowns for just a split second but then he leads me back to a cage we have frequented many times in as many hours. _

  
_"What about her?" Peter points to the energized Border Collie. _

_Her cage reads Daisey._

  
_"She's got more energy than you do," I tease._

_Maybe that's why I'm attracted to her, she has your energy._

  
_"I think she's perfect! She can join me on my evening runs since you won't," _

_He should already know that Daisey is our family now, just because he wants her._

  
_"That's because I actually get up and run in the mornings like you're supposed to do," I'm already looking around to alert someone that we've finally made a choice._

  
_"It's unnatural to get up and think **oh gee what a wonderful time for a run first thing in the morning**," he's pulling me down and kissing me. _

_I feel his fingers running through my hair._

***

I tug at the strands of hair as the hot cocoa grows cold.

I'm waiting for him to come back out.

Normally he just needs a nice, hot shower and I calm him down further and I'll let him know I'm sorry. 

I'll let him know I'm here and I'm not going anywhere and if he needs forever, **I'll wait.**

  
But what if it's like the few times he is just waiting for me to hold him?

What if he wants that little piece or normal back right now and I'm not there?  
I walk into the bedroom and see the light shining beneath the door but I don't hear the water running.

It's locked and it's never locked and ice forms within my veins.

  
I wait for a cry to leave you alone as I pound on the door.

Wait for a quip that you used to have waiting for anything.

***

_"There is not enough money in the world to make me get out of this bed right now," Peter mutters from beneath the blankets and pillows. _

_I search for him and spot a stray curl peeking out and I grin as I walk further into the room with a tray held tight._

  
_"Is there enough food?" _  
_I spot more curls and then a sleepy eye open and peer at me, "I'm listening..."_

  
_It's our anniversary and I wanted to start your day right. _

_The pancakes are uneven but they aren't burnt and the eggs were easy enough. The toast didn't turn out too black but I know the coffee is just the way he likes it. _

_I wait for him to shift and rise above the blankets, watching more of him uncover and I'm soaking in his sight as I set down the tray and he digs in with gusto._

  
_He nearly moans though when he tastes the coffee and I wrap my arm around his bare shoulder, "You know me too well."_

  
_I hold him tighter, "I love you so much Peter Parker."_

***

"Peter?!" I'm pounding on the locked door, but I still get no answer and my worry is sheer panic now.

I've shouted and pounded and I'm getting in there, one way or another. "Peter! Pete?"

After minutes that feel like hours, the door gives without warning and suddenly I no longer want in.

  
He's laying on the bathroom floor, motionless.

"Pete! No, no, no, no, NO!" everything is fast and slow.

Too loud and so silent.

Bright lights and dark and I need to bring you back to me, my thumb caresses your cheek_._

***

_"I want to see all of the lights everyone places up!" His cheeks are tinted pink from the cold, a sparkle in his eye as we make our way down the street. _

_The snow is swirling around us and <strike>Daisey</strike> Nola is just a few steps ahead._

  
_He smiles at everyone we walk by, and maybe it's the holiday spirit, but I think it's just him, but everyone smiles back. _

_He told me he wanted to change the world, but he's already changed so much already. _

_Expanded my world more than he would ever know._

***

I'm holding his limp form against me, but he doesn't flinch. Doesn't know that I'm holding him.

I don't feel beating against my fingertips and when I press my ear against his chest, I finally make it out. It's faint -but it's there.

  
When I call dispatch, I'm placed on hold and I don't have that kind of time, there's only one choice left.

  
For a city that never sleeps there's no one out here and maybe this is one of my nightmares. They stopped when he came along, but maybe...

  
But I glance over and see his head slumped against the glass right where I placed it, this is real.

I grab his hand anyway, "Please, Pete, don't you dare give up on me!"

  
Peter remains lifeless and limp, he doesn't react.

***

_It nearly an hour past his normal run time, but Nola is with him and Peter really doesn't know a stranger. It's how we met. _

_But there's a feeling in my gut that won't go away, so I call his number and the feeling grows when I hear his phone ring from the kitchen counter. _

  
_I know his routine. Normally he jogs with Nola and then he takes her to the dog park for her to release further energy. _

_Sometimes as he gets there he would call me and I'd join. _

_But this time I have his phone and he's not home yet._

  
_When I make it to the park, I almost turn back around since no one is here, but then I hear a whine._

  
_I investigate and it sounds like Nola. Then I see her injured form lying against his limp form. _

_It takes a moment to register the ripped clothing and bloody body that is Peter. He's limp and lifeless and pale and it can't be!_

  
_I drop to my knees and place your head in my lap, "Peter!" but of course he doesn't answer. _

_I scream and scream but he doesn't flinch. I speak to a stranger on the phone, begging for help and paramedics, but he continues to bleed silently in my arms._

***

When I carry him into the hospital, they take him from me too fast but I need him better so I let him go.

I can't get his pale face from my head and can't stop thinking about what just happened.

I thought things were getting better. I can't lose him! I'm not strong like he is, I just want to wake up! I know now how to wake him up from his nightmares.

So why can't I wake myself up from my own?

**Author's Note:**

> If you took the time to read that, thank you. I hate the formatting too, but haven't figured this all out yet. Thanks again!


End file.
